BREAKING: America has officially entered its annual tradition of pretending to be “completely shocked” that rich and powerful people apparently knew other rich and powerful people.
Citizens across the country reportedly gasped in horror before immediately opening social media to become full-time FBI agents with zero evidence, three screenshots, and a Wi-Fi connection.
Meanwhile, cable news panels have reached critical levels of dramatic background music, with anchors repeating phrases like:
“The walls are closing in…”
“This changes EVERYTHING…”
for the 947th consecutive week.
Political supporters on all sides are also working overtime to explain why every suspicious name belongs to the other team, while conveniently developing temporary amnesia whenever their favorite celebrity appears in a headline.
Experts confirm the real winners are conspiracy YouTubers, whose thumbnail designers have now achieved billionaire status after adding glowing red circles and shocked facial expressions to every photo on Earth.
At press time, Americans were still refreshing timelines every 12 seconds hoping the next “bombshell revelation” would finally arrive instead of another blurry flight log screenshot from 2003.
